When Reality Hits You

I promised myself that my previous entry will be the last depressing one so I’ll try to make this one as non depressing as I can.

Yesterday my sister and I went shopping for some retail therapy… It was our chance to chat before she returns back to HK. It was one of those nice nice days but also one of the most saddest days I’ve had in Hong Kong. When I see how he had no life in his eyes; I just wanted to hug him n tell him everything is ok. He had to come to my dads apartment last nite to fix the TV. It reminded me our good times we had in STK. Built our first 1000 jigsaw puzzle, how he tried to cook me a european dinner cz I was homesick, how we watched tv together every night while eating at the place downstairs… Then watching him leave at midnight to go back home alone made my heart ache a little more. I wanted to go back with him… I wanted to keep him company… I wanted to reassure him… but all of these things will just make things worse.

Last night I misunderstood him and if it wasn’t the misunderstanding- he wouldn’t have broken out of the mould and told me how he really felt. I didnt need him to because I KNEW already but listening to it killed me… 

I questioned myself last night, has it really come down to this? Reality hit me. It hit me that he reali is gone. 

This guy would be the perfect husband

The amazing father of my children

The one who understands me most

The one who makes me laugh

Everything I’ll ever want and need.

But we want different things despite loving each other very much. I wish I loved him as much as he loved me; then things will be VERY different.

I can’t even bring myself to imagine when he leaves HK to return back to UK in October. We’ve spent so much time together and it will be so painful to imagine life without Tim here. He was the only family I had and his family taken me in as their own. But none the less- I really want him to be happy. He doesnt need to be in here anymore. He needs to be surrounded by his friends & family. He needs to go home so he can heal and get over me properly.

What about me? I probably will end up returning back to UK. We only came to hk hoping to make a future together…. only time can tell… Either way- I know I’ll be alright.

I have spent too long questioning myself on my actions. Well Ive made decisions already and I know i’ll have to just get with it and move on with life. Most of all; not drag those i care about but could hurt along. I really wanted to be the one he wil confide in…the one that will make his troubles disappear… but all of that is impossible. All I ever do is make them worse. 

He always protected me from being cold, hungry, danger, unhappiness and hurt.

Now its time he protects himself and for me to do the protecting on my own. I feel relieved he has 3 ‘angels’ to look out for him. I know he will heal. I will too.

As we stand back to back, we will now walk in opposite directions…

Only praying and wishing each other Happiness and ‘to never live life with regrets’.

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1 year ago  /  65 notes